Forgiveness!

I'm not quite sure what to say about Chapter 6 yet. It's a good chapter, it really is, full of great scripture. I wish I could say that I'm to the point of forgiveness but sadly I am not yet there. I would like to be & maybe it's as simple as me making a choice to forgive, but not forget. I'll never forget, that I know. I can't go back & change anything that happened. All I can do is make the choice as to how I live my life today & that can either be full of anger or full of love for my God & all that he sacrificed for me. I chose Love! I've done anger & it does me no good. Anger only extends my pain & suffering. I don't want that pain & suffering in my life anymore. I deserve better than that, so do my kids, so does my family & so do my friends. Most importantly so does God, he deserves better from me & he wants so much more for me.

Forgiveness is a hard thing. I'm not there yet! I'm not sure how to go about getting that forgiveness in my heart. I'm sure that I can say it, I forgive you, but I can't say that I'm sure I'll really mean it. Not yet anyway.  I'm looking forward to how God is going to work in me to get me to that point of being able to forgive. I know God has great things in store for me but it's my job to follow him & listen to the things he's showing me about myself that need changing. Then I need to go about changing those things the way God wants me to. God is a good God! He loves us so much! God suffered with me & still suffers with me to this day. He does this everytime I choose to go there again & relive the past. Which I do do that at times. I'm not sure why I torment myself by doing this but there are days that I do. More so on days when I'm really tired &/or not feeling well. I've realized that those are trigger points for me, points when I'm more vulnerable to the Devil's attacks. Those are the days that I need to be in the word of God even more than I usually am. I need God's truths to hold onto & keep me moving on those days. I can't do it on my own, I need God. I've tried on my own. It doesn't work well! God's the way to go, he can help us through it all & best of all HE WANTS TO. He wants to help us! He longs for a closer relationship with us, with me. All I have to do is let him in.

I liked the part that Wendy writes on page 87 about God not giving up on her. "God in his faithfulness did not give up on me. He showed me that he was not asking me to forget. My hurt & pain were valid in His eyes. They were real. However, I had allowed them to take control of my life. They ruled my heart, & as long as they did, God could not." That's powerful! I have never before really thought about it like this. I do know that God hasn't ever given up on me. I can see the ways that he has tried to get through to me on the subject of hurt & pain. I now know that he has been longing for me to bring all of my hurts & pains to him for a whole lot longer than I've known & walked with him. I've been walking with God for 4 years now. Not a huge amount of time. I came to God at the age of 32. Having never gone to Church before, I have a lot to learn still. I'm a continual work in progress. It took me until just this year at my Church's Good Friday service before I really GOT IT, what all Jesus went through for me. I'd heard it before but had never really let it in.

This year has been really eye opening for me in my understanding of who Jesus is. I can definately say that I've been more open to listening to the things that God puts on my heart. Not long ago God put it on my heart to start tithing a full 10% of my income. I prayed about it & talked to a few people from Church first but then I took that leap of Faith & just did it. After a few weeks of tithing a full 10%, God then put it on my heart that I needed to include the Child Support check I receive every month in that full 10% tithing. I didn't want to do it, I really didn't. I kept thinking that God couldn't possibly be wanting me to do thatwith that particular money. But you know what he did. He kept putting it on my heart over & over again until I got it. The first month I didn't listen to his prompting but the second month I saw the promptings for what they were & I did it, I took that big leap of Faith & wrote the check including the child support money. I had trouble writing that check. It was a lot more than I had ever written to the church in a given week ever. I decided to trust in God. I know he will provide for me & my kids. I knew this was the right thing to do becauseby doing so I was then being obediant to God & his word. Thanks Veronica for the late night texts over this one. I knew what I needed to do but I'm not sure I would have gotten to the point of actually writing that check without you helping me to see it all in a little bit different way. It's amazing who God sends into your life to help you on his behalf. I've seen this a few times & look froward to seeing it again.

"Can you see how God has been speaking to you all along", from page 89. I'm starting to see this now. God has been speaking to me personally for quite some time now, I just haven't been listening attentively. It's time to change that & I'm ready. It's going to take work on my part but I'm able, willing & ready to make this change & listen for God's voice. He loves me & wants so much better for me than I could ever dream of. Like Wendy said, I did not pick up this book by accident & neither did anyone else. We all picked up this book because God had it planned for us to do so. He knows where he's going to take us through this journey we're on. We don't know where exactly that is & that tends to be scary to us when we don't see ahead of time where that is we are going. God is in control! He won't let us down & he'll never leave us! He'll always be here for us. I'm choosing to Listen to & follow God wherever he may lead me. I'm on a journey, he won't let me down!